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Friday, January 5th, 2007
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8:42 pm - Defeated
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Well, around and around we go. A few suggestive digital pictures, an IM log talking about a fanfic story plot and a character writing sample from a friend and I am the devil incarnate again. Or maybe just the whore of Babylon.
So why is it I can go soul searching for my lost sexual identity online and not with the one person I'm supposed to love and trust and do all that searching and experimentation with in the first place.? He claims that is all he wants... for me to desire him, to be passionate and open and daring with him. But I'm not and I don't and I can barely open my mouth when it comes to making requests or expressing my sexual desires to him.
I know, that online, I'm anonymous and always will be. No one knows who I am and none of them want to know. The ones that do want to I ignore out right. I play on role play boards, one of which is sexual in nature, mostly slash though not exclusively. I write with women all over 30 and one gay boy, again, all people I'll never meet or even ever see pictures of. I play characters that are all the things I am not but would like to be... strong, confident, in control, dominant. I'm writing gay romance for the most part. I think it is safe to say I'll never have the chance to act out any of the things I write out... seeing how I'm not a male... or gay. But I do like men. Men with women, men with men... doesn't really matter as long as men are involved because that is the way I'm wired I guess. But looking at pictures is bad because I don't look at my hubby that way. Probably for the same reason I won't ever dress in latex... which I love... because being old and overweight just doesn't paint the hot picture I think of latex being.
Toys are bad. Using them on myself when I could be using him=bad. Using them with him is bad. It all adds up to him and his equipment not being adequate enough to satisfy me. How may times can I explain about friction and where I need it to get the job done? Graphic, but the truth.
The bottom line always ends up sounding like everything in his life is my fault. And everything wrong with my life is my fault. (I'll actually cop to that one because, truly, everyone is responsible for their own choices in life.) And all the CRAP is going to ruin my daughter's life if it doesn't resolve one way or another. He came out with a line... if you were young and hot you would have left me already. Of course that hurt like a arrow through the heart. I guess the look on my face or maybe the realization dawned on him exactly what those words meant. He back peddled... not that I mean your not hot... Ummhmmm. Ok. I think you got it right the first time around.
I have precious little self esteem as is, even when I was young and hot. Now I am also responsible for his self esteem as well. My actions and inactions have destroyed his life because all he ever did was try to make me happy. Somehow I was this great soul sucking demon and never knew it. I wish I realized I had succubus blood alot earlier, it may have come in handy, maybe even bolstered my self esteem a bit. I really can't picture a demon being anything other than confident.
I can already see my singles ad - recently seperated, mother of one - redhead, short, overweight, fag hag, approaching 40, no self confidence, in need of financial support, loves art, fiction, writing, comics, toys, horror movies, science fiction, fantasy, anime ISO anybody stupid enough to answer this ad, preferably tall, long hair, ripped, confident and rich. Oh, and hot too. Bisexual is a plus as long as your boyfriend shares.
I guess my sense of humor is in tact. That's a good sign, I think.
Off to write another post on my gay sex board. At least there I get to be all things I'll never be.
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| Thursday, December 28th, 2006
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3:45 pm - The span of a year has made no difference at all
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It's been just over a year since I started this thing. I thought it would a good way to purge. Alot safer than, say, a written journal. It's a toss up if would stay out of curious hands. Like posting for the world to see is any better,
I was in a bad place when I started this thing and here I am in an even worse place now. Material possessions and the lack thereof aside, things are an utter trainwreck. The hubby had a full blown mental breakdown, neither of us have a job and almost no way to pay our mortgage or to even feed ourselves. All my attempts at finding a job are proving useless just like my Bachleor's degree. If anything that stupid piece of paper is making it harder to find a job. Getting turned down because you have too much experience is a much harder situation to remedy than not enough.
Emotionally, I'm back and forth. I feel stronger that I did last year but I'm even more hopeless. I'm not sure how much kicking while I'm down I can take. So far, I'm still taking it like pro. with luck, I'll be able to find a way to avoid losing the house. Unfortunately, I've never been very lucky.
Apparently I have no right to feeling in any way sorry for myself. I am the villian in this scenerio. My inability and therefore lack of desire to get a job is to blame for my hubby's breakdown. And my inability to provide the love, comfort and affection he needs is to blame for his lack of self esteem. I am selfish and frigid and insensitive. I think only of myself and it is only ever my needs that I consider before or to the exclusion of all others. I have a pathalogical lack of trust, I'm withdrawn and sneaky and devious.
I think that covers it all. I'm sure he'll think up some more now that he's started therapy.
Of course my personal diversions are to blame as well. Since I have a solitary real life friend whom I rarely see, I've turned to online friends for some companionship and support. I seem to be chasing them off one by one too. There is only one that really hurts though. My lil bro, or so I like to think of him. I hurt him badly last year but he graciously let me back into his life only to shut me back out again when the things with mu hubby went south... again. A bit of self preservation on his part. I don't blame him. I only blame me. Crazy is as crazy does... and the last thing I want to do is hurt him again with my craziness. He'll probably never know what his friendship has meant to me and I am so grateful to have met him at all. It's hard to let go of people that have touched you like that but, for his own sanity, it's best.
Knowing it is all well and good but living it is another matter all together. Why does it have to hurt so much? Only words on a screen right? I've already tried talking myself out of the hurt and it's still not working now. At least I can rest assured he has found another confidante that he CAN trust. He's pretty good that way... strong self preservation instincts. I can only hope some of them rubbed off.
Enough soul searching for today. It's too exhausting to think about anymore. Maybe something a touch more cheerful will strike me tomorrow.
Hope is for fools.
current mood:  crushed
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| Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
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7:34 pm - I Should Be More Worried
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The job situation is slightly better but has taken a definite turn for the worse. While the bar the hubby manages is open...without a liquor license... and won't have one until the end of the month...their brilliant idea is to open up as a nude BYOB until that time. Great. And if the township or LCB decide to be pricks about it.. the hubby takes the wrap for it. Most people would think I'd be nervous about him working around a bunch of naked girls all night. Those people have obviously never worked with go-go dancers before.
(I actually love and hate how non conformist and non traditional our lives are. Living the status quo would turn my stomach even more than usual but conformity has it's perks I suppose.)
He's barely looked into other jobs. I've not looked at all. I can barely get myself moving in the morning as is. Leaving the house has become a twice a week affair and I don't even look forward to that. I actually look forward to nothing at all.
I did plant the last of my bulbs today... my monkey helped with that. She was so proud...and muddy. Shadow, the lil bitch, is growing way too fast but she has her cute moments. Like when she's asleep. Or playing soccer. Or anytime she's not gnawing on me or the monkey actually. The cats are of decidedly mixed feelings on the subject.
I was so despondant just a few weeks ago and now I think I'm finally just numb. Thank god for small favors. I hate dwelling in the dark for so long. Numb makes the tasks of everyday life much more bearable. I saw some psycho babble talk show today that talked about people that are afraid to make commitments - that it is their poor self image problem that causes the fear - that they fear rejection if they show their loved one their true selves. Well, speaking from experience, I can say that it is a well justified fear. Even just bearing a piece, a sliver of your true self can be devestating to a relationship. Not everyone can be their true self and find happiness. It is a myth. People who fear rejection have been rejected. They know the things about themselves that seem 'wrong' to the rest of society and yes, if they wish to fit in and find love and lead something more than a solitary life, they must guard themselves well. Trust me, it's nearly impossible to put that genie back in the bottle once you've let it taste the light of day. The world may be perfect for some people but certainly not for all. I guess most folks aren't 'weird' or 'abnormal', and I'm sure there are a fair share of tolerant and understanding mates out their as well.
Purging is supposed to be good for the soul. Why does it just feel like bitching?
current mood:  blank
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| Saturday, January 21st, 2006
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3:14 pm - Nothing Much Inparticular
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The dreary mood persists I'm afraid. I did have a brief respite yesterday though. Here it is, the end of January and, yet again, I was outside, without a jacket, planting clearance bought bulbs in the front garden. Something about sinking my hands into the cold soft earth is instantly renewing for me. Still have a few to plant before the cold weather reasserts itself again.
We have added a new member to our family - a black and silver lil bitch named Shadow. She's the cutest thing until her teeth sink in. And the constant need for attention and the constant vigilance so she doesn't hurt or get hurt by our daughter is taking it's toll. This was to be the hubby's dog - his choice, he named her, he 'bonds' with her at night when she's finally tired. But, as expected, I get to let her out, feed her, do the 'tiring out' by running with her and playing with her the majority of the daylight hours while he sleeps. But he needed a source of unconditional affection...because I'm not very good at it. His sister thought a puppy would be a great family bonding experience. So when a couple is having problems they should have a baby,to bring them closer together, right? Same thinking, just as wrong... But far be it from me to squash his hopes and dreams... I've done enough of that.
current mood:  blah
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| Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
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12:49 pm - Just As Predicted
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I guess frame of mind really does predict future circumstances. I knew it would be a lousy New Year and just as anticipated... here it is. And if I felt optimistic and elated and hopeful the coming year wouldn't appear so dreary from here, I'm sure. Funny thing, how people always tell you to look on the bright side... optimistic outlooks usually seem to predict optimistic outcomes or at least put failures in a better frame of reference. Optimism isn't something I can just conjure 'cause so-and-so said to... I do wish it was that easy though.
Time has been messing with my head again. It seemed like I just started this thing last week... that Christmas was just last week. I KNOW logically what the timeline is but emotionally my internal clock is way off. Time is flying by and it feels like I've been left behind. And I have no clue how to catch up anymore.
I hate being so morose. I hate reading some depressive drivel from other people and mine is no more interesting than theirs. And my advise to them is the same for myself except I have no idea how to put it into effect.
I lost myself a long time ago and how or why I decided to try and find myself again completely eludes me. It hasn't been worth it, that's for sure. Just need to find a way to kill that last glimmer of hope once and for all so I can return to my life. Real life has no room for vacant, vacuous daydreaming. Unfortunately, daydreaming seems to be all I've ever been good at...
current mood:  depressed
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| Wednesday, December 21st, 2005
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9:29 pm - So...nice weather we're having...
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I hate the beginning. I've always been one of those jump to the middle then skip to the end kinda girls. Not that I don't appreciate a well told story but the beginning seems almost superfluous to the story sometimes... like I can fill in the opening chapter details from the narrative clues in the body of the tale.
It's nearly Christmas and, as usual, I'm no where near ready. Late to my own funeral, I'll be. If there was ever anything in life that begged for a late arrival, that is it. Anyway, I ached and groaned over the decisions of whether or not to get the family presents or just send cards or just say screw it and keep to me and mine this year. I ended up sending all the cards, bought most of them presents and still have shopping to do for those closest to us.
My inability to make clear, concise and final decisions about anything has proven quite the disability these past few weeks. Being frozen in indecision is annoying to those around me but absolutely devastating from my point of view. It just fuels the inner loathing to all new levels and still nothing gets done. Even when I'm finally unfrozen and moving in a direction again, nothing feels like an accomplishment.
My hopes for the New Year seem ridiculous - like one day will change the course of life like magic. I know one day, one moment is all it takes to change a person forever but New Year's Day will not conjure up what I need. And relying on myself for those changes just hasn't been working out for me. Maybe I should place an ad for a fairy godmother...
current mood:  stressed
current music: Korn - Twisted Transistor
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